Alicia (snowgeckel) wrote,

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Alicia, the colossal fuck-up

All the K-12 conferences in town are today. I was supposed to go to Sara's at 10. Somehow in my twisted little mind, I got confused and showed up at 11. As you can guess, my parents weren't there and there wasn't a conference for Sara going on. So I call my mom. "This thing was at 10, wasn't it?" I said. It was, of course, and I had totally fucked up. But here's the kicker: she said she just thought, "you didn't feel like getting up and showing up." (A little background: I don't usually get up until at least 1 in the p.m., so 10 a.m. is incredibly early for me to get up and be somewhere by, esp. considering I don't go to sleep most nights until 6 a.m.)

So, I don't show up where I had promised to be, but it's not a cause for concern or even mild worry. It's just "Once again, Alicia didn't care enough to do what she said she'd do." Ouch.

I'm the first person to admit that I'm sort of flaky. But, if it's something important (and this was) I'm there. I'll blow off a class or 10, but if it's something that I need to be doing, I'm there. But people don't view me like that. I'm just a flake because I frequently flake when it's not important.

So, what makes a girl change from regular to flake? Lack of motivation.

Thoreau once said, "We need to learn to awaken ourselves and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn that does not forsake us, even in our soundest sleep." (that's just from mem, so the phrasing could be a little dif) I don't have that. I don't remember the last time I got up for a reason other than an alarm going off, a phone ringing, a building on fire, a loud noise from the room next door or someone yelling at me. And I never really cared.

It's a chore for me to wake up every morning because I don't care. Nothing gets me excited anymore. I can remember motivation, I know it existed once, but it's just so gone now I can't even fathom. I don't care about my jobs, the work I do or the people I know. Will I hang out with people if they call me? Sure. Will I call them? Hell no. I know that, as someone recently put it to me, "the telephone works both ways" but I don't call. Because I don't have enough motivation to do so.

Am I telling you not to call me because I don't care about you? No, of course not. Please call me, but don't be hurt that I'm not the one doing the calling.

In short: I don't care, but if it's important, I will show up. Unless I fuck up the time, in which case, I'll be there an hour late.
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