I just can't ... I don't know. Whatever it is, I can't. I feel so sick all the time. I can't go to class, I can't go to work. I hurt too much to walk the four feet from my bed to my fridge so I don't eat for days. I'm so tired. I can sleep for days and I still feel tired. How can one person be so tired?
The Advocate went better this week. I brought in the cookies my mom made me and I bought everyone ice cream. They like me better when I buy them food.
So one thing has improved, while another has disintegrated completely. I feel like I'm losing myself. Yesterday, I went to give someone my phone number and I couldn't remember it. I literally couldn't remember my own phone number. I have to have lists for everything. I have a list for when I get ready in the morning (if I can muster up the energy to leave my bed) because if my hair isn't still wet, I don't know if I've showered. If my breath isn't minty, I don't know if I've brushed my teeth yet. I'm so scared. I make a list when I eat something because otherwise I don't remember when or even if I've eaten. I open a can of pop thirty seconds after I just opened one because I don't remember opening the first one.
I know this can't be normal. I know I should go to a doctor, but I've never found a doctor I like, who doesn't treat me like some loony. I was so sick for so many years and no one believed me. Why should they believe me now?
I remember being smart. I remember in elementary school I was the top of the class. They wanted me to skip grades, they thought the sun rose and set on me. Now it's all I can do to pass a basic English course.
Somedays, I think I must have been Hitler in a past life. I don't understand. I think I'm a good person. I don't go out of my way to hurt people. I'm there for my friends when they're down. I don't hoard what I have. I do what I can to help the less fortunate. I don't beat children. I don't even throw the butts on the ground if I'm smoking outside. Why does this have to happen to me?
I don't understand how we go through this. It's mortal and stupid ... and no one will explain to me why.